Gazing

Ittimin 1111

There seems to be an awful lot of stigma around gazing and 'the Gazed'. There are various incidents that have happened in the past which have contributed to this. However, this isn't an article to dissect all those events and opinions - just a personal account of becoming Gazed, what it is, how it happens, and what it is like to live with afterwards. Make of it what you will.

So, I suppose we should start with - what is a 'Gazed? It, simply put, is a person who has been linked directly to the Dragon within the Egg which we live on. There are different types of Gazed, the elder Gazed can feel the Dragon's emotions empathically, the younger cannot. It used to be that some Gazed did not have free will, and so when the dragon wanted to lash out they had no choice. As it stands all Gazed now have free will ... however if the Dragon wants something enough I think most of us would act on it.

I was unsure about becoming Gazed, and for a long time turned it down. I had the excuse at the time of having an entropic ancient linked to my mind, which obviously I wanted to bring no-where near Erdreja herself. But the main the reason was that I felt that I was perhaps more able to help and protect her when not direct linked to her, that if I could put myself in danger without involving her I was better able to help. Eventually, last year the Elder Gazed persuaded me otherwise. Persuaded me that Erdreja needed people who are linked to her and they wanted me to do it.

Gazing itself is fairly simple. Terrifying, and potentially deadly, but simple. I became Gazed with Boris of the Faculty (sadly now departed) in a joint rite lead by Gwion Ap Taliesin. We travelled to a wellspring, the Circle of the Fallen Magi in our case as it aligned well with our patterns. Gwion then took us beneath the wellspring. We literally sank through the solid rock of the floor until we were in a cavern. It was deep, you could feel the vast weight of rock pressing down above us. In this cavern there was a black slab of stone. A slab of anti-magic rock (or so I am lead to believe) that is apparently present beneath every well-spring. As far as I can tell anti-magic has the ability to almost 'suck' energy into the Egg. I don't know enough about it to confidently explain. Gwion conducted a rite and asked Boris and I to place our heads on the stone.

It is as if your mind, perhaps your whole pattern, is taken elsewhere. At first all was dark, and then Erdreja was before us, in all her indescribable glory ... and she judged us. Decided whether to find us worthy or to end our existence. And knelt in front of her I had no doubt she could do it. I don't think in all my trying to see what the universe consists of I had ever felt so small and at the same time so scrutinised.

The instant she accepted us we saw... everything.

As our minds linked we saw everything that Erdreja has ever seen, everything that has ever happened on the egg, in the egg, outside of the egg.- reaching out to the parent dragons that blind her vision with the power they are sending to her. The pattern of the world and all the endless possibilities held within it. All in an instant. And then... Boris sang. He sang to the dragon. Which wasn't what I was expecting. And then... I actually don't remember. We were back, with friends, and I didn't want to open my eyes for fear of losing everything I had just seen, for fear of the contrast between my normal perception and what I had just been shown.

Now - well in some ways I am the same as I always was, and in some ways I am not. I can feel that she is part of me. I cannot feel what she is feeling, but I can feel she is there. Watching. And I can feel Boris, still can, though he is no longer on this plane. The main change though is that everything takes on a different perspective. Everything is all at once completely insignificant and incredibly significant. She learns from whatever we do, so in some ways none of it matters at all. And in others she is learning from everything we do, and watching people do ANYTHING - the Jugga Club laughing drunkenly at lewd jokes was the first example I noticed - suddenly I realised that she was watching and learning and figuring out what life is and what she wants to become. And she isn't judging, she is learning. And everything and nothing is important, as long as there is something.

I have since been reminded that my pattern is no longer just mine to play with, as you may have read elsewhere in this Looking Glass. And I am constantly reminded that as much as she may learn by seeing my thoughts, how many of my thoughts are so childish and insignificant, and at the same time fascinating to her. And I am yet to learn whether my original concern of being more able to protect her when not linked is true.

I can talk with her more easily than I could, and her responses surprise me. For instance, when I showed her the starfall, a rock from outside of this Egg, her response was "well, that's just another new thing - but your response to it is fascinating". I am often reminded how she is a child, who knows very little and to whom a lot of things are new, and can be scary, and that she is also a being far more immense, powerful and wise than we can ever hope to achieve.